Connecting with my authentic self on a bespoke retreat at Tofte Manor in England
Elly Reid reviews a private, transformative bespoke retreat in Bedfordshire, where she discovers the earth’s womb, hidden parts of her psyche and how to dance like no-one’s watching
I’m lying in a large hammock swing under the strong gnarled branches of an ancient oak tree. The sun casts a dappled light over my body, and I find myself drifting off to the sound of birdsong. I arrived at Tofte Manor about an hour ago, after a long and eventful journey, which involved me rolling up my sleeves and sticking my head under the bonnet, another post-divorce achievement to add to the list.
“Was it the energy of the crystals or Suzy’s naturally calm, empathic, intuitive nature that enabled me to connect with feelings of love, grief and forgiveness deep within? Either way, the experience was transformative”
This will be my first experience of a private bespoke retreat, one which I’m drawn to because of its promise of a peaceful and healing environment. I’m hoping for a space, where I will feel safe enough to truly switch off and start to re-connect with myself.
My home for the next three days is The Sanctuary, a private fully self-contained cottage set in its own secluded corner, surrounded by trees. Inside, I discover a truly beautiful space, a sumptuous four-poster king-size bed takes centre stage under a huge domed octagonal ceiling, adorned with dozens of hanging wire stars.
The cottage is self-catering but home-cooked vegan meals can be pre-ordered, an option too good to refuse, especially when I see Jamaican curry with all the trimmings on the menu. Local chef, Melissa, arrives at supper time, arms laden with nourishing and delicious looking vegan dishes.
On my first evening I’m invited to take part in ‘authentic expression and healing’ at the Tofte Soul Circle. Sounding a little like group therapy, I’m tempted to give it a miss and curl up in bed with a book, but FOMO gets the better of me and I join six other women in a large yurt, lit from above with organic-shaped pendant lamps. As we take our places on colourful embroidered cushions, all eyes are drawn to a beautiful centrepiece of natural objects; driftwood, crystals, candles floating in water and a vase full of delicate feathers - all the elements are represented.
Vulnerabilities, fears and hopes for the future are shared and I’m surprised by how comfortable and safe I feel in the company of strangers. As the circle draws to a close, we lie under blankets and relax to a soothing sound bath, followed by mugs of fresh mint tea. I return to my cottage barefoot across the grass and it’s not long before I’m tucked up in my fairytale bed feeling content and deeply relaxed. Within minutes I’m fast asleep.
The following morning, I meet creative psychotherapist Sarah-Jayne for a private ‘movement healing’ session. This isn’t a dance lesson that focuses on technique or choreography, instead I’m urged to dance like no-one is watching, which instantly induces uncomfortable feelings of resistance in my body. But Sarah-Jayne is encouraging and plays some gentle music as she guides me through some initial movements. After a few minutes of tentative swaying, she suggests I wear an eye mask to help me focus inwards. Without sight, I feel discombobulated, so I get down on all fours and start to crawl, wondering if I look as ridiculous as I feel.
Gradually the music picks up momentum and just as I brave standing again, Bronski Beat’s ‘I Feel Love’ starts to play, compelling me to wiggle my hips and wave my hands in the air, Jimmy Somerville-style. I find that having my sense of sight removed feels strangely liberating and I drift into my own little world. I can still hear Sarah-Jayne, but my mind is elsewhere, and I finally feel blissfully uninhibited. I’m not sure how long I dance for, but when the music finally stops, I’m hot and sweaty and I can’t stop laughing. Later, I’m rewarded for my efforts with a luxuriously firm massage, in the comfort of my cottage, which works wonders on the tension I’ve been carrying for months in my neck and shoulders.
I awake on my third day to glorious blue skies, and I spend the morning wandering through the grounds, making all kinds of discoveries - a sparkling crystal ball water sculpture, a huge pumpkin-shaped hanging globe swing, a nymph-like stone ballerina in her own secret garden, the gentle tinkle of wind chimes and the sweet nostalgic scent of English roses climbing an archway… curiosity after curiosity delight my senses.
I walk the magical earth labyrinth, with its central underground chamber, guarded by a huge vulva-shaped bronze sculpture - I’m entering the earth’s womb. I find this ritual deeply relaxing and I note how happy I am in my own company, taking time to be present with myself.
I have one last treatment today, shamanic crystal healing with Suzy, which I’m drawn to out of a desire for new experiences. The therapy room is laden with crystals in a myriad of colours, shapes, textures and sizes - I feel like I’ve arrived at the heart of Tofte. Suzy’s calm lilting South African accent is immediately relaxing and as I lay down and shut my eyes, she gently places crystals on and around my body and in the palms of my hands. I hear clicking sounds and the varying pressures and temperatures of different crystals. My body quickly sinks into deep relaxation, and colours and patterns start to form out of the darkness. While observing this internal light show, I find myself transported back to childhood and a deeply buried memory starts to emerge. Warm tears start running down my face, but I remain completely calm.
I have no sense of time, but at some point, Suzy gently removes the crystals. When I open my eyes, I see them laid out in formation on the floor; amongst them amethyst, on and around my head for clear thinking and trusting one’s intuition, lapis, at my throat to communicate my truth, and at my heart an angel carved from rose quartz, for love and deep inner healing. Was it the energy of the crystals or Suzy’s naturally calm, empathic, intuitive nature that enabled me to connect with feelings of love, grief and forgiveness deep within? Either way, the experience was transformative.
I head back out into the sun feeling light, energised and blessed to be spending a final afternoon in this tranquil sanctuary, a magically healing and holistic environment. I walk barefoot in the grass, delighting in the abundant scent of flowers and the sight of butterflies darting through the long grass in the meadow, before heading back to my favourite spot under the oak tree. I lie in the hammock and watch kites swooping overhead, appreciating the beauty of my existence and feeling a sense of peace that I haven’t felt for years.
