Creating a vision for a future together on a Y42 Radical Loving Couples Retreat in England
Suzy Walker reviews a couples retreat in Lincolnshire, where she and her partner learn tools to improve, heal and re-energise their relationship
It had been a tumultuous year. We’d just survived a spate of lockdowns, I had just left a big job that had dominated my life for eight years, my son had left home to go to university and my boyfriend and I had taken off on a #vanlife adventure around the UK. It was a new relationship of two years and living in a van would test the strongest relationships so we booked in to the Y42 retreat to see if we could create a vision for our future together, find more constructive ways to argue and try and consciously create positive habits together. We both were divorced so we were both keen to heal our past wounds and create a strong, loving and kind relationship together.
I was terrified the three-day workshop might involve public nakedness. I had visions of Hollywood films full of scantily-clad therapists and orgasm demonstrations with a clapping, whooping audience. Eek! But I needed have worried. I had signed up to this retreat because I’d been to the Y42 Radical Wellbeing Retreat and had left very impressed with retreat leaders Rohini and Karl Emanuelsson. A husband-and-wife team with three young sons, they had left the corporate world and had been training within the self-development industry for over 20 years. They are genuine and inspiring (and I’ve had the privilege of interviewing everyone from Brené Brown to Deepak Chopra in my role as Psychologies editor so I don’t say this lightly). Their enthusiasm and belief in their life-changing tools is contagious. Their kindness, humour and their honesty about the ups and downs in their own relationship makes you warm to them even more.
“It was as if the retreat had opened us up to new possibilities and new hope, a fresh start for our third act together. Our eyes met and we laughed and then I cried tears of relief and love for this wonderful man in front of me. I felt supported, held, loved, seen”
We arrived on the Friday afternoon after lunch. The Manor in Boston in Lincolnshire is delightful. It’s all maximalist quirk, jewel colours with elephants guarding doorways and over-the-top chandeliers lighting up the rooms. We were staying in the opulent Zanzibar Spa Suite, which had a massive jacuzzi bath which flashed different colours when you pressed a button. In the main bedroom was a swing chair. Our welcome pack with lube, fluffy handcuffs and some card games made us laugh but also a little nervous of what was to come.
There were six of us on the retreat. One couple, who had been married for 20 years, were empty nesters and had booked the retreat to create a new vision for their relationship. The other couple had been together for ten years with pre-teen children and were looking for inspiration and guidance on how to get their relationship back on track. All were working in high powered jobs and with two PhDs between us, it was an intelligent group.
The weekend workshop starts on Friday at 2pm and ends with a big celebration dinner at 8pm on Sunday and you’re invited to have a lazy start to the day on Monday before you head off home. The days were packed with information and experiences and invitations to slope off to your room to practise all you’d learned. With frequent yoga sessions, dancing, breathwork and massage, you are encouraged to get out of your head and into your body.
We were fed well with nutritious, nourishing vegetarian food with Eastern European, Italian and Persian influences. We feasted on Shakshouka for breakfast (poached eggs in sauce of tomatoes, olive oil, peppers, onion and garlic) with dishes like Italian bean risotto, beetroot soup for lunch and dinner. Puddings such as chocolate olive oil cake with mascarpone were a revelation as was the coconut and raspberry mousse. There was also plainer food such as porridge on offer and all dietary requirements (gluten free etc) were catered for.
We started the weekend by identifying what we loved about each other and discussing the basics of what makes a good relationship. We considered various questions. What are the beliefs that are shaping your life? What is the ‘ideal state’ we want to achieve? We learned about how important it is express our appreciation versus constantly criticising each other. We also learned a new, more constructive way to argue in a ‘how to fight well’ session, which was enlightening. It gave us a step-by-step process to follow (which I felt should be taught in schools!)
The breathwork session on day two was profound. Connected Breathing, billed as a ‘safe and natural way to feel deeply relaxed and joyful, release trauma and gain clarity of mind’ had us all lying on our yoga mats, and breathing deeply for an hour. Energising but the same time relaxing, the process also seemed to allow everyone in the room to connect with some deeper truth. Everyone talked about ‘letting go’ and ‘healing’ in the feedback session afterwards. I felt connected not only to my partner but to the flow of life. It felt like any blocks that were holding me back dissolved.
The physical intimacy homework was done in private (thank goodness!) We learned about Yoni massage and how to use our Yin (feminine) and Yang (masculine) energies to create strong, irresistible polarity between each other. Rather than new sexual positions, the homework was focused on being able to really listen to each other, to talk about sex and give each other what we both wanted and needed.
On the Sunday, we had yoga with guest teacher Victoria Thomas, who is also a singer-song writer. She invited us to practise yoga together with our partners - leaning back, leaning in, holding and supporting and finally lying in a relaxed position, holding hands with our partners while she sang with live guitar. She sounded angelic and both my boyfriend and I became very emotional. It was as if the retreat had opened us up to new possibilities and new hope, a fresh start for our third act together. Our eyes met and we laughed and then I cried tears of relief and love for this wonderful man in front of me. I felt supported, held, loved, seen.
The finale of the retreat is the sacred vows ceremony. You write your sacred vows to your partner, then take part in a ceremony which starts in the candle-lit yoga studio and ends in a in the red womb room where you exchange beaded bracelets and look each other in the eye and tell your partner what you’ve written. It’s very emotional. My boyfriend and I committed to growth and to go all in to make our relationship work, even when the going got tough. We ended on a celebration banquet with champagne, chocolates and Persian feast. After an intense weekend, it was great to kick back and celebrate all that we’d learned.
