On being kind

Caroline Sylge explains why being kind - and expecting nothing in return - is good for our wellbeing

I read once that a 'good samaritan' had given envelopes full of cash to the needy in the German city of Braunschweig. The anonymous donor gave 190,000 euros to individuals and organisations, including a hospice, a robbery victim and a vicar - and the money often came wrapped in a cutting from the local newspaper about the recipient's plight. Apart from feeling the urge to drop the said samaritan a line to ask him if he could spare a bit (only joking - not), this lovely story reminded me how it's often the kindness of strangers that saves us in unexpected ways, and how difficult it often is to be kind to those we are closest to.

There is a little card I carry around in my wallet with a quote on it by Sri Chinmoy, a spiritual teacher from India. It reads: ‘The very nature of kindness is to spread. If you are kind to others, today they will be kind to you, and tomorrow to somebody else.' I think I chose it not because it is beautiful, but because being kind isn’t always easy when dealing with others in the course of a normal day. When I’m preoccupied with my own frustrations and tensions, I need a regular reminder of that gentler part of myself.

This isn’t because I am trying to be good or moral, but because when I am kind to people, I feel a greater sense of well being than when I am not. I’m not talking about being over-emotional or over-sentimental, but about imagining what it is like to be someone else and to respond accordingly. To realise that the other person is actually just like me – even if they are buried inside a social mask I can’t quite make out.

Using our imagination to empathise and sympathise with others, and the opening out in ourselves it creates, is a good, if not crucial, way to connect with others and feel part of a better type of world. I agree with the philosopher Alan Ryan, who says that the happy life is one that reflects that ‘we mutually belong to one another’. Yet in contemporary society, kindness is more often than not seen as a hindrance to having a successful life, and we are too often locked away from one another.

The joy that kindness can give us – and just how much we have become disassociated from it – is explored in a little book called On Kindness (Hamish Hamilton), co-written by the psychoanalyst Adam Phillips and Barbara Taylor, a feminist historian. Not only is the pleasure of being kind ‘fundamental to our sense of wellbeing’, the writers believe, but a person’s kindness is actually the ‘strongest indicator’ of just how ‘well’ they are.

‘Every person, in some part of himself, knows that feelings of connection and reciprocity are among the greatest pleasures that human beings can possess,' they write. 'Yet according to contemporary feeling, the ‘dependence’ kindness entails is best avoided if we are to get on.' In reality, of course, ‘getting on’ in a capitalist culture often means working too hard, feeling anxious and living a life that is disconnected from others.

It isn’t that people have become less kind, but rather, society that has made us less able to express it. ‘People are leading secretly kind lives all the time, but without a language in which to express this, or cultural support for it,’ says Phillips.

Aggression and cruelty come naturally to us too – and in a society that values competitiveness too highly, it’s not surprising that this behaviour can overtake our better instincts more than it should. Kindness becomes something that is more usually expressed between a parent and a child, say, or an adult caring for a sick or elderly relative.

The solution is to realise that kindness strengthens rather than weakens us – even in intimate relationships. ‘It’s dependence that actually makes self-reliance possible,’ says Phillips.

Even Charles Darwin, the champion of individualism, strongly rejected the view of mankind as primarily selfish. ‘Rather, he argued that sympathy and co-operation were innate to man and a key part of their success’.

Doing things for other people rapidly takes us out of our heads, and the busy wave of thoughts that often don’t serve our sense of well being. It can also be a great motivator – a friend of mine says training for a charity bike ride was the main reason she bothered to keep fit for the rest of the year.

Kindness isn’t just about other people. Author Dr Wayne W. Dyer, in his book, The Power of Intention, reminds us that being kind relates to the self as well as others. ‘Treat yourself as well as others with kindness when you eat, exercise, play, work, love and everything else’, he says. ‘When you think, feel and act kindly, you hasten your ability to connect to the power of intention.’

Going on retreat is a very kind act towards your self, of course, which may be one reason why so few people make going on retreat regularly a priority for themselves. Instead, many people - and I especially find this with friends who are busy working mothers - see it as a one-off ‘treat’ that misplaced guilt often prevents them from ‘indulging’ in. Yet if you turn that around, and retreat regularly, you’ll find you have more calm and energy for the very dependents you feel you ‘should’ be looking after instead of retreating.

When you are kind to others, Dyer says, you should ‘expect nothing in return – not even a thank you’. Rather, trust that ‘the universal, all-creating spirit responds to acts of kindness with the response – how may I be kind to you?’ Even if you're a little scared by the thought of this, try it - next time somebody pushes your buttons, take the less obvious route, react with kindness, and see what happens.

It doesn’t always work, of course. Sometimes - because I’m human - I feel put out that someone hasn’t noticed what I’ve done or reacted in the way I might have expected. At such times, I recite in my head a stunning poem I keep on my iPhone by the brilliant author and poet Alice Walker - usefully called Expect Nothing. It might resonate with you too, or you might have your own piece of writing or an image that you can keep close and draw on for solace when humanity isn’t playing ball.

Expect Nothing

Expect nothing. Live frugally

on surprise.

Become a stranger

To need of pity

Or, if compassion be freely

Given out

Take only enough

Stop short of urge to plead

Then purge away the need.

Wish for nothing larger

Than your own small heart

Or greater than a star;

Tame wild disappointment

With caress

Unmoved and cold

Make of it a parka

For your soul.

Discover the reason why

So tiny human giant

Exists at all.

So scared unwise

But expect nothing. Live frugally

on surprise.

© ALICE WALKER

Explore RETREATS that help you practise kindness

Being kind can be connected to being mindful of the things and people around you. Many of our meditation retreats run sessions on mindfulness and promote kindness, such as Sharpham Trust Retreats and Gaia House in Devon, England. If you find being kind a challenge and would like to change your mindset, take a look at all our retreats that offer emotional and mental support. Find more poems to retreat with for solace in our poetry section.